Yep, you heard it here first on Go Retro: the Old Maid is dead. I'm not a fan of elder abuse, but it was about time someone took that old bag for a ride and dumped her on an abandoned highway in the middle of Kansas. Good riddance! Same goes for the word spinster -- an even worse term someone dreamed up at one point for unmarried women past a certain age. That word always makes me think of a witch...a witch from a Disney cartoon with a big, warty nose who loves to dispense poison apples to innocent children and princesses.
Normally on Go Retro I like to celebrate the way certain things used to be in decades past...but I am still very much a modern woman, and of all of the things that are awesome about living in the 21st century, the fact that there's no longer a stigma against unmarried (or divorced) women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond is definitely at the top of my list.
That's why I bring up the "old maid" phrase. Do you remember the last time someone used it to describe a single woman? I sure don't (and in fact, I'm not so sure that kids today even play the card game by the same name.)
As glamorous as we think the Mad Men world was, the fact is there was a lot of pressure -- even if it was unseen -- on women to get married by a certain age. If you didn't, it was automatically assumed that there was something wrong with you or even worse, a lesbian. Just check out this Valium advertisement from 1970 that alludes to the fact that being single at age 35 will make a woman mentally lose it...
"You probably see many such Jans in your practice," reads the copy. "The unmarrieds with low self-esteem. Jan never found a man to measure up to her father. Now she realizes she's in a losing pattern -- and that she may never marry."
That's right. If you're single, you're depressed and let's face it: you're never getting married, so you might as well live the rest of your sad, unfulfilled life in a drugged stupor and adopt several stray cats while you're at it (another dumb stereotype that needs to go the way of the Dodo bird.)
Just about any book that takes place in the 20th century presents the notion that a woman who didn't want to get married young was crazy. Remember the lead character, Skeeter, from The Help? She just wanted to write and establish a career first while the snooty racist women in her town were marrying husbands they didn't love, having babies they didn't raise, and constructing separate bathrooms for their African-American employees. Her mother was constantly distraught by her single status. Over the summer I read a book called American Wife which seems to have been inspired by the life of Laura Bush. The lead character is pondering the town's fabric shop clerk, "whose single status into her late twenties had confused and saddened my mother and me."
Good grief. Thank God those days are gone.
I don't know exactly when it all changed for the better, but it seems during the 1990s and beyond that there was a much-needed shift in thinking towards single women. Maybe all of those shows from the 1970s and '80s that portrayed smart, strong, unmarried or divorced career women such as The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Alice, One Day at A Time and Murphy Brown finally got through to us.
I've found lots of articles lately about people in their late 30s, 40s, and 50s who have found love and are getting marrying for the first time. And let's not forget divorced people in these age groups who get remarried. I'm willing to bet that most of these marriages are going to be much happier and stronger in the long run compared to people who got married in their 20s. Why? Because they knew exactly what they wanted and weren't willing to settle. They waited until they met someone they're really crazy about. They didn't feel the pressure -- from society, from their partner, from their family, or from a biological clock -- imploring them to tie the knot with someone who would just do, because they didn't think they could do any better.
I'm 43, single, and over the past year or so have realized how appreciative I am of the fact that I didn't meet anyone and get married while in my 20s (and that I didn't have kids. No offense to the parents out there, but I was born without a biological clock. It doesn't mean I don't like kids or won't date someone with children; it just means I don't want to give birth to one.) In fact, it's been my personal belief for quite a while now that most people should NOT get married before the age of 40 (OK, maybe 35 or a couple of years younger than that if you know you really want to become a parent.) I know that there are exceptions to every rule; some people who meet in high school or college get married and live happily ever after. I just think getting a career off the ground, paying off any college loans, and saving some money should be your main priority when you're in your 20s -- not finding someone to tie the knot with, unless it just falls into your lap.
In fact, it wasn't until I turned 40 that I feel I really came into my own as a woman, and know exactly what I want in a partner; what feels right and what doesn't. I also know what my deal breakers are and what quirks a man may have that I'm willing to put up with (everyone has quirks or habits, but some are more tolerable than others.) Not to mention the give-and-take that relationships require and the communication and honesty needed to work out disagreements. It's the kind of perspective most 25 year-olds simply do not have.
Not only that, but I'm proud to be able to honestly say at this age that I have no baggage. No children, and no crazy ex-husbands. That can definitely be a plus, believe me. And I do believe that there is a great guy out there who is available, right for me, and a great match with chemistry, a connection, and mutual attraction.
Right about now I'm sure there's someone saying, "But Pam, didn't you hear that unmarried women over 35 have a greater chance of being hit by a meteorite then walking down the aisle? Didn't you hear that all of the good ones are taken?" Yes I have, and I hear similar limiting beliefs from other women, especially about what jerks men are -- but that's all they are: beliefs. You may have decided to believe it for yourself and therefore make it your reality, but I have personally recently chosen to change my perspective and adopt more positive beliefs.
(Very non-retro related side note here: for those who are interested in the law of attraction and that "woo woo" stuff, I'm reading an awesome book I can't recommend enough called Deliberate Receiving by Melody Fletcher. She goes into detail about the nitty gritty of negative core beliefs, why people believe them, and how to change them for yourself thus changing your life.)
And I think as married people get older they start to realize how smart it is that us single 'uns hold out for the right partner. A family member -- whose husband is driving her crazy these days -- advises me to savor being single for as long as I can.
So fellow single (and divorced) ladies, rejoice. There's nothing wrong anymore with being single and waiting for the right one to manifest in your life. The Old Maid is dead. May she rest in peace.
